My sister-in-law, who is nearly but not quite as gorgeous as my wife, was in the supermarket this morning buying stuff. Among the stuff was a bottle of wine for dinner. She was asked for ID. She is 40.

Women, please try not to hate her.

To get my six- and four-year-old daughters to eat their dinner tonight I had to promise to play them the Bootsy Collins CD What’s Bootsy Doin’? – they’ve been fans since seeing Standing in the Shadows of Motown. After that it had to be “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. I thought they wanted the John Prine version, but no – they wanted the Ronettes. Then, at bath time, they wanted “Po-Jama People” from Frank Zappa’s One Size Fits All.

At least they’ve got over Nick Cave. The Lyre of Orpheus is great but has been on heavy rotate for far too long.

Kiwiblog reports:

The Dutch Parliament has changed the law, after two years of debate, to make sex with animals a crime.

That’s the end of heavy petting in the Low Country.

Many people don’t realise that the distinguished journalist and author Gordon McLauchlan is an inveterate practical joker. His latest wheeze certainly took in the Herald’s Brian Rudman, whose column on Friday painted Gordon as the victim of a dastardly conspiracy concocted by the NZ Society of Authors (PEN NZ Inc).

The story starts with a post by Gordon on 3 February on his brother-in-law Graham Beattie’s blog, which billed him as “Former New Zealand Society of Authors (Pen NZ Inc) president and President of Honour”, which could be misinterpreted as implying that he is the current President of Honour and speaks on behalf of the NZSA. His post said that a recent NZSA branch meeting had passed a remit he proposed about trying to have the judges of the Montana Book Awards be more geographically diverse instead of mostly being Wellingtonians. His post goes on to criticise this year’s judges as being too Wellingtonian.

Next, says Rudman:

The wrath of Wellington was swift. In October last year, Mr McLauchlan had agreed to represent the NZSA on the Montana awards management committee. But this week, following publication of the article, Linda Henderson, chair of the book awards management committee and chief executive officer of Booksellers NZ, declared him suddenly unwelcome.
Incredibly, the brave defenders of free speech immediately curled over and said yes, so sorry, we'll find you a poodle instead. On Wednesday, Mr McLauchlan received notice of his sacking from NZSA executive director Liz Allen […]
Oddly, [NZSA president Paul Smith] went out of his way to support Mr McLauchlan’s call for judging changes.

This is where the comedy begins. The “wrath of Wellington” could hardly come from a committee which – as Gordon knows but Rudman clearly doesn’t – has members from around the country. And as Gordon knows but Rudman doesn’t, the NZSA didn’t offer to “find a poodle”, whatever that means. Gordon didn’t “receive notice of his sacking”: he was never appointed, so how could he be sacked? And there is nothing odd in Smith supporting Gordon’s call for changes in how judges are selected – as Gordon knows but Rudman clearly doesn’t, most members of the NZSA do.

Then came Chapter Two, the casting of Gordon as Heroic Victim of a conspiracy. There has been a flurry of apparently sincere emails from him alleging that all this is a conspiracy against him, trying to deny him freedom of speech, all organised by Smith and the society’s executive director, Liz Allen. This is the comedy masterstroke. The idea that Booksellers NZ and the Book Publishers Association, the heavyweights on the Montana committee, do the bidding of the NZSA is hilarious. God, if only it were true – authors would receive better royalties and we’d drive cars that were as flash as our publishers’. Rudman fell for it hook, line and sinker.

And today the Rudman column was posted on Beattie’s blog with the comment that “this issue is everything to do with freedom of speech”. What’s wonderful about this claim is that Gordon has so far expressed his views not only on the blog but also in the Herald and on National Radio. Apparently John Campbell on TV3 is next, which would give him the media hat trick.

It’s as far from what goes on in Russia and Saudi Arabia as you could get and if it were intended seriously as a complaint about suppression of free speech, which PEN is all about, it would be offensive. But it’s all a prank.

On Friday Gordon told another former president: “I take no delight in this and don’t feel much like talking to TV3 this morning, but I guess what needs to be said needs to be said.”

I hate to spoil the joke, but what he told me two days before was: “[I] haven’t had so much fun in months.”

The cardboard carton for Haw Par’s Tiger Balm reads:

“Fast and effective relief for headaches, stuffy nose, insect bites, itchiness, muscular aches and pains, sprains and flatulence. Apply Tiger Balm gently on the affected area.”

Let me know how that works out for you.

Keith Richards, the new face of Louis Vuitton, engages with his audience while performing “Satisfaction”.
Hat tip: Tim Blair

Okay, okay, I love the UK lay lays.

About 1976 Seigried Behrend toured NZ with his Zupforkestra - or pluck orchestra. I saw them in Napier.

They did a lot more than pluck, using their instruments as percussion as well. I can't find the Zupforkestra, but here's Seigfried. He's a master without doubt.

The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain play tonight in Wellington. This is their swinging, finger-popping version of “Wuthering Heights”. There’s loads more on YouTube: their version of the bluegrass standard “Orange Blossom Special” incorporates “Sunshine of Your Love” and “Smoke on the Water; their clever-clogs vocal arrangement of “Life on Mars” incorporates “My Way”, “Born Free” and “Substitute”; “Fly Me to the Moon” is a mash-up with “Killing Me Softly”, “Hotel California”, “I Will Survive” and more. They can really sing, and the podgy old bloke in the middle can really play. Funniest of all is “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” which is faithful to the Morricone soundtrack using only seven ukuleles and voices – astonishing. This clip of it is from their live DVD, Anarchy in the Ukulele. More about them here.

AL Kennedy in “Fifty arts secrets revealed” in the Guardian:

Q: Does everyone have a novel in them?
ALK: They have all kinds of things in them - liver, spleen, perhaps recklessly inserted lightbulbs. Whether you want any of those things to be removed and then sold to strangers is the question.

Hat tip: Tim Worstall

The satirist Craig Brown compares and contrasts Mick and Keith here in the Telegraph:

Over the age of 30, there is a thin line dividing Cool from Sad, and that line is provided by wealth. Keith Richards remains the King of Cool largely because he is a multi-millionaire. If he had, by chance, ended up as the lead guitarist with, say, The Swinging Blue Jeans, and he was at present on a Sixties Revival Tour, I doubt we would now be so full of admiration for his funny little laid-back ways.