Thar she blows!
We take you now to a brainstorming meeting at one of New Zealand’s top advertising agencies, where the Creative Director believes there’s no such thing as a bad idea. He’s almost right — after all, “good” isn’t in his vocabulary.
“OK, people. We need to attract the difficult, teenage consumer demographic. How do we get inside their minds? What makes ’em tick? What are teenagers doing today? You shout ’em out and I’ll whiteboard ’em.”
“Wanking…?”
"It’s been done. Haven’t you seen the one where the kid buys a milkshake at a dairy and then thinks everyone’s gesturing that he’s a wanker when in fact they’re just telling him to shake?! Hil-ar-i-ous. That’s a multi-million-dollar wrist-action, right there, folks. Priceless.”
“How about Snowboarding?”
“Farting.”
“Animals?”
“Eh? You mean, like, bestiality…?”
“No, teenagers like animals — in cartoons, like, Itchy and Scratchy, Ren and Stimpy… ‘n’ stuff…”
"Kids, kids, they’ve all been done — the Paddle Pops snowboarding ads, with Happy the farting hyena on ice? That’s some avalanche — man, I just wish that’d been on our books. Anyway, what are you people watching, the frigging John Campbell show?! The Hitler Channel? You’re supposed to be media-savvy. Animation is so old-economy.”
“Well, what about those pornographic Grand Theft Auto downloads?”
[Tumbleweed traverses the boardroom on a howling desert wind.]
“Farting…”
“We’ve already got farting! Jesus, the client’s a fast-food company.”
“Yes, but my idea’s different — this is, like, a teenage girl… farting.”
“Wait! Yes… think it through…! You could be onto something, kid. How about, the girl complains about her boyfriend being a noisy eater, but he blames his crunchy chicken burger… Then, the girl… she’s a pretty teenager… here it comes, the girl farts, but it turns out to be a double-whammy…”
“A double-Whopper.”
“Button it, Jerrod. I’m still thinking… the girl farts… but she says, ‘It wasn’t me, it was the burger’! It was the chicken burger!”
[Meaningful glances over the lattes, muffins and frapuccinos.]
“Maybe she, like, listens to the chicken burger before she farts… but we can work out the exact storyboard details later. Anyhow, she definitely lets rip.”
“Brilliant! Fucking brilliant. We are so going to win an EFFIE award!”
“The Burger King people are gonna cream themselves… Now, Britney! Bring me those fart tapes from the audio library — we may need to hire a consultant. Choosing the right kind of fart for the girl is going to be crucial… Who are we using as our fart Tsar this quarter…?”
[Fade sound and vision.]
The rest is televisual history.
“OK, people. We need to attract the difficult, teenage consumer demographic. How do we get inside their minds? What makes ’em tick? What are teenagers doing today? You shout ’em out and I’ll whiteboard ’em.”
“Wanking…?”
"It’s been done. Haven’t you seen the one where the kid buys a milkshake at a dairy and then thinks everyone’s gesturing that he’s a wanker when in fact they’re just telling him to shake?! Hil-ar-i-ous. That’s a multi-million-dollar wrist-action, right there, folks. Priceless.”
“How about Snowboarding?”
“Farting.”
“Animals?”
“Eh? You mean, like, bestiality…?”
“No, teenagers like animals — in cartoons, like, Itchy and Scratchy, Ren and Stimpy… ‘n’ stuff…”
"Kids, kids, they’ve all been done — the Paddle Pops snowboarding ads, with Happy the farting hyena on ice? That’s some avalanche — man, I just wish that’d been on our books. Anyway, what are you people watching, the frigging John Campbell show?! The Hitler Channel? You’re supposed to be media-savvy. Animation is so old-economy.”
“Well, what about those pornographic Grand Theft Auto downloads?”
[Tumbleweed traverses the boardroom on a howling desert wind.]
“Farting…”
“We’ve already got farting! Jesus, the client’s a fast-food company.”
“Yes, but my idea’s different — this is, like, a teenage girl… farting.”
“Wait! Yes… think it through…! You could be onto something, kid. How about, the girl complains about her boyfriend being a noisy eater, but he blames his crunchy chicken burger… Then, the girl… she’s a pretty teenager… here it comes, the girl farts, but it turns out to be a double-whammy…”
“A double-Whopper.”
“Button it, Jerrod. I’m still thinking… the girl farts… but she says, ‘It wasn’t me, it was the burger’! It was the chicken burger!”
[Meaningful glances over the lattes, muffins and frapuccinos.]
“Maybe she, like, listens to the chicken burger before she farts… but we can work out the exact storyboard details later. Anyhow, she definitely lets rip.”
“Brilliant! Fucking brilliant. We are so going to win an EFFIE award!”
“The Burger King people are gonna cream themselves… Now, Britney! Bring me those fart tapes from the audio library — we may need to hire a consultant. Choosing the right kind of fart for the girl is going to be crucial… Who are we using as our fart Tsar this quarter…?”
[Fade sound and vision.]
The rest is televisual history.
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