The back label code

By Phil Parker

While wine producers are obliged to stick to the facts with the front label on their bottles (grape variety, region, alcohol content etc.), they do tend to go a wee bit poetical with what goes on the back label.

I’ve never read one that says, “OK, we had a lousy year – this isn’t one of our best, but it’ll still get you pissed if you drink enough of it.” No, they’d rather wax lyrical about how fab it is and how proud they are.

As a rule of thumb, the more information crammed in – the cheaper the wine. I’ve seen $5.95 Australian blended red with whole paragraphs about history, terroir, luscious black fruit flavours and even food matching suggestions. Particularly good to swig on while rifling through trash bins for other people’s takeaway leftovers.

As follows, a Top Ten Translation List

‘A food wine’ – impossible to drink without something to take the taste away

‘Light aperitif style’ – bland and tasteless, wouldn’t stand up to a water cracker

‘Cellar for at least 5 years’ – it’s undrinkable now, hopefully you’ll forgot how much you paid for it by then

‘Refreshing and crisp’ – enough acid to dissolve a 50c piece

‘Drink early style’ – won’t last 6 months

‘True South Australian’ – tastes like blackberry jam and meths

‘Typical Marlborough Sauvignon’– smack in the mouth with a gooseberry flavoured lemon.

‘Minimal oak treatment’ – the winemaker accidentally dropped his pencil in the vat.

‘Easy drinking’ – alternative to tap water

‘Soft oak influence’ - the winemaker accidentally dropped two pencils in the vat

Phil Parker is director and tour guide of Auckland-based Fine Wine Tours