The environmentally unsound confessions of a cosseted fauxmosexual
No, the title isn’t that of a long-lost J.P. Donleavy novel. My confession is that I’m a man who cares for his skin. Big deal! you say, And so you should! In which case you may be any one — or indeed most — of the following:
a) A woman
b) A beautician
c) Living outside of New Zealand
d) None of the above.
I am, at least as far as my most retrosexual male friends are concerned, a metrosexual — better yet, as Carson Kressley might say, a “fauxmosexual”. This means, according to my friends’ definition rather than Carson’s, that I wash my face, use underarm deodorant and only have dirt under my nails when I’ve been picking up rocks.
I have grudgingly begun to agree with my friends. This is partly because I’ve spent so much time and money on cleansing, shaving and anti-ageing products at my local department store that I was recently invited back for a free facial treatment. During the course of this, I discovered to my shame that I knew far more about the products than the company’s own beautician did.
I say “to my shame”, but actually I can tell you all of these things without cringing, blushing or other major discomfort because for some time now I’ve had a girlfriend, which, I hasten to add with great glee, my supposedly macho friends do not. Not only is she young and beautiful and lovely, but my Retrosexual mates don’t have one at all. Not even an ugly one! “Well,” as Geoff Tipps might say, “It don’t sound much when you say it out loud.”
(Having a girlfriend also means I don’t need to pick up any more rocks, which is just as well because my chat-up lines were pathetic and I’d been forced to resign myself to progressively larger and less shapely rocks... “I don’t fancy yours much, pal.”)
My girlfriend tells me she likes the way I smell, and I have reason to believe she isn’t just saying that to make me feel better about being, at least by traditional Kiwi male standards, sexually ambiguous (that is, not only don’t I play rugby, I don’t want to watch it, wear stripy shirts or hang around in sports bars drinking Lion Red). It’s probably a good thing for them that none of these people knew me in the 1980s when I looked really girly.
But my cleanliness isn’t a fashion thing. I’ve always been mildly obsessive about it. I bathed and washed my hair daily even as an 11-year-old. My Mum must have thought I was a little angel, but my brother made up for that.
It’s surprising, though, that I didn’t get beaten up more often by the bullies who prowled the sprawling, violent North Wales comprehensive school I attended, wearing blazers with razor blades sewn under their lapels and with thumping great 22-lace Doc Marten boots on their adolescent feet, as though they were characters out of A Clockwork Orange. I assume their own feral tang (an unlikely collision between Sugar Puffs and diarrhoea, as I remember it) masked my perfumed pits and locks.
These days, as well as having an American Psycho-style personal hygiene routine, involving lots of these absurdly expensive, white-packaged facial products, I’m inclined to beat myself up quite a lot about the impact of my actions on the environment. What a dichotomy! All that foaming face-wash and shampoo lather would, in itself, be bad enough, but now I’ve discovered that the company that makes most of these overpriced personal care products doesn’t appear to care about the waste products they generate, our water quality, recycling or, indeed, what their customers care about. But hey, it’s an American company, so no great surprises there.
Over the years, I’ve spent literally thousands of dollars on Lab Series products. Yes, I know it’s sad, but we all have our vices. I’ve never been under any illusion that these products were going to work miracles on me, but on the other hand they haven’t done me much harm, either. And I didn’t expect them to be any more or less damaging to the environment than other soaps and detergents, but I didn’t think it could do any harm to ask.
So what makes me say that Aramis (which is owned by Estée Lauder) doesn’t care about the environment? Well, I wrote to them, and their reply would tend to suggest that they’ve been colluding with George W. Bush to destroy as swiftly as possible the world as we know it, and that they’ve employed an automaton — a Woman of Mass Denial — to help them to do it. It was an easy mistake to make: I thought they were trying to make me look younger, but in fact they are dastardly Evildoers, intent on poisoning everybody and destroying the planet. I’m so gullible sometimes.
When I first went to the ‘Ask An Expert’ section of the Aramis Lab Series For Men website I just wanted to know whether the “gentle scrubbing particles” in Lab Series’ Multi-Action Face Wash are made of plastic. You see, when you use this stuff to wash your face, it leaves a residue of strange blue beads behind in the washbasin, and they appear to be composed of something that doesn’t dissolve in hot water.
OK, this isn’t exactly the Exxon Valdez disaster, but why exactly would I want to send a daily consignment of tiny plastic beads into the wastewater just to make my face feel smooth after I’ve shaved? Can’t they make these things out of something biodegradable, like, er… apricot pits or something?
Anyway, a couple of weeks went by and, as you do, I forgot completely about having written to Aramis. I assumed my web form query had been swallowed by the internet and lost forever. Life, and my rigorous personal cleansing regime, went on. But then, a bloated email squelched into my inbox. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it had been written by Donald Rumsfeld, masquerading as a woman — yes, the aforementioned WMD:
-----Original Message-----
From: ConsumerCommunications-Lauder@esteelauder.com
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 5:07 PM
To: Chris Bell
Subject: Case #2,122,598
Dear Mr. Bell,
Thank you for your interest in Aramis.
As you may know, Aramis is one of the Estie Lauder Companies, Inc. As a global organisation, the Estie Lauder Companies share your concern and recognise the importance of protecting and preserving the environment.
Recycling has always occurred at the manufacturing stage, where worldwide manufacturing programs take maximum advantage of locally available options.
No standardised approved test exists to substantiate 'biodegradable', 'environmentally safe', or 'eco-friendly'. We therefore do not make these claims for our products. However, we have no reason to believe our products are not any of the above.
We trust that the above addresses your concern.
Sincerely,
Justine Vella
Consumer Communications Manager
2,122,598
THIS E-MAIL IS INTENDED ONLY FOR THE ADDRESSEE(S) AND MAY CONTAIN CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION. IF YOU ARE NOT THE INTENDED RECIPIENT, YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED THAT ANY USE OF THIS INFORMATION OR DISSEMINATION, DISTRIBUTION OR COPYING OF THIS E-MAIL IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS E-MAIL IN ERROR, PLEASE NOTIFY THE SENDER IMMEDIATELY BY RETURN E-MAIL AND DELETE THE ORIGINAL MESSAGE.THANK YOU.
Oh, the delicious “and now fuck off” tone of that final line! Oh, the bellowing arrogance of that disclaimer! Oh, the joy at discovering that neither Ms Vella nor the personal assistant who is likely saddled with her correspondence know how to spell their own employer’s name! And what about that number in the subject line and ominously added at the end for luck? Can I really be the 2,122,598th poor sod that Ms Vella has shrugged off with a vacuous, flak-crafted email? She seems to wear that number like a badge of honour, like a bomber pilot after a precision raid.
How convenient that no standardised approved test exists to substantiate “biodegradable”. How about creating your own test in one of your labs (if they exist), or referring to Greenpeace, or asking a country like Germany that has some experience in recycling and environmental impact? But no, why bother! “Estie” makes no such claims for her products, so who cares. We’ll all go down together, in a petrochemical-fuelled cart without a catalytic converter. After all, worldwide manufacturing programs take maximum advantage of locally available options. What a marvellous way of saying, “We don’t know or care what the manufacturers do — we’re in product marketing, stupid.”
I have no reason to believe that the WMD is an actual, living person. But, oh! What pleasure I took in replying to “Ms Vella”:
-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Bell
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 5:55 PM
To: ConsumerCommunications-Lauder@esteelauder.com
Subject: RE: Case #2,122,598
Dear Ms Vella,
Yours is precisely the kind of evasive response a PR person might give to a hostile query. As I've been an Aramis customer for 25 years, I think it would be reasonable for me to expect a less ambiguous response from your company.
I used the facility on your website to ask a perfectly straightforward question about a specific Aramis Lab Series product: Are the exfoliation beads in Lab Series Multi-Action Face Wash made out of plastic, yes or no?
If they are (as indeed they appear to be), and as these bi-products are likely to end up being dispersed in New Zealand's wastewater, you would have every reason for believing that they are neither 'biodegradable' nor 'environmentally safe', and therefore certainly not 'eco-friendly'.
(Incidentally, I believe you'll find that your paymasters are the Estée, rather than Estie, Lauder Companies.)
So, no, your response does nothing to address my concerns and I am therefore seriously considering ceasing to use your products and publicising your unsatisfactory response via my website. And yes, I do note your disclaimer.
Yours sincerely,
Chris Bell
I now await Ms Vella’s response, taut-skinned… Well, I have to use up the rest of my Multi-Action Face Wash, don’t I. It cost me a bloody fortune.
a) A woman
b) A beautician
c) Living outside of New Zealand
d) None of the above.
I am, at least as far as my most retrosexual male friends are concerned, a metrosexual — better yet, as Carson Kressley might say, a “fauxmosexual”. This means, according to my friends’ definition rather than Carson’s, that I wash my face, use underarm deodorant and only have dirt under my nails when I’ve been picking up rocks.
I have grudgingly begun to agree with my friends. This is partly because I’ve spent so much time and money on cleansing, shaving and anti-ageing products at my local department store that I was recently invited back for a free facial treatment. During the course of this, I discovered to my shame that I knew far more about the products than the company’s own beautician did.
I say “to my shame”, but actually I can tell you all of these things without cringing, blushing or other major discomfort because for some time now I’ve had a girlfriend, which, I hasten to add with great glee, my supposedly macho friends do not. Not only is she young and beautiful and lovely, but my Retrosexual mates don’t have one at all. Not even an ugly one! “Well,” as Geoff Tipps might say, “It don’t sound much when you say it out loud.”
(Having a girlfriend also means I don’t need to pick up any more rocks, which is just as well because my chat-up lines were pathetic and I’d been forced to resign myself to progressively larger and less shapely rocks... “I don’t fancy yours much, pal.”)
My girlfriend tells me she likes the way I smell, and I have reason to believe she isn’t just saying that to make me feel better about being, at least by traditional Kiwi male standards, sexually ambiguous (that is, not only don’t I play rugby, I don’t want to watch it, wear stripy shirts or hang around in sports bars drinking Lion Red). It’s probably a good thing for them that none of these people knew me in the 1980s when I looked really girly.
But my cleanliness isn’t a fashion thing. I’ve always been mildly obsessive about it. I bathed and washed my hair daily even as an 11-year-old. My Mum must have thought I was a little angel, but my brother made up for that.
It’s surprising, though, that I didn’t get beaten up more often by the bullies who prowled the sprawling, violent North Wales comprehensive school I attended, wearing blazers with razor blades sewn under their lapels and with thumping great 22-lace Doc Marten boots on their adolescent feet, as though they were characters out of A Clockwork Orange. I assume their own feral tang (an unlikely collision between Sugar Puffs and diarrhoea, as I remember it) masked my perfumed pits and locks.
These days, as well as having an American Psycho-style personal hygiene routine, involving lots of these absurdly expensive, white-packaged facial products, I’m inclined to beat myself up quite a lot about the impact of my actions on the environment. What a dichotomy! All that foaming face-wash and shampoo lather would, in itself, be bad enough, but now I’ve discovered that the company that makes most of these overpriced personal care products doesn’t appear to care about the waste products they generate, our water quality, recycling or, indeed, what their customers care about. But hey, it’s an American company, so no great surprises there.
Over the years, I’ve spent literally thousands of dollars on Lab Series products. Yes, I know it’s sad, but we all have our vices. I’ve never been under any illusion that these products were going to work miracles on me, but on the other hand they haven’t done me much harm, either. And I didn’t expect them to be any more or less damaging to the environment than other soaps and detergents, but I didn’t think it could do any harm to ask.
So what makes me say that Aramis (which is owned by Estée Lauder) doesn’t care about the environment? Well, I wrote to them, and their reply would tend to suggest that they’ve been colluding with George W. Bush to destroy as swiftly as possible the world as we know it, and that they’ve employed an automaton — a Woman of Mass Denial — to help them to do it. It was an easy mistake to make: I thought they were trying to make me look younger, but in fact they are dastardly Evildoers, intent on poisoning everybody and destroying the planet. I’m so gullible sometimes.
When I first went to the ‘Ask An Expert’ section of the Aramis Lab Series For Men website I just wanted to know whether the “gentle scrubbing particles” in Lab Series’ Multi-Action Face Wash are made of plastic. You see, when you use this stuff to wash your face, it leaves a residue of strange blue beads behind in the washbasin, and they appear to be composed of something that doesn’t dissolve in hot water.
OK, this isn’t exactly the Exxon Valdez disaster, but why exactly would I want to send a daily consignment of tiny plastic beads into the wastewater just to make my face feel smooth after I’ve shaved? Can’t they make these things out of something biodegradable, like, er… apricot pits or something?
Anyway, a couple of weeks went by and, as you do, I forgot completely about having written to Aramis. I assumed my web form query had been swallowed by the internet and lost forever. Life, and my rigorous personal cleansing regime, went on. But then, a bloated email squelched into my inbox. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it had been written by Donald Rumsfeld, masquerading as a woman — yes, the aforementioned WMD:
-----Original Message-----
From: ConsumerCommunications-Lauder@esteelauder.com
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 5:07 PM
To: Chris Bell
Subject: Case #2,122,598
Dear Mr. Bell,
Thank you for your interest in Aramis.
As you may know, Aramis is one of the Estie Lauder Companies, Inc. As a global organisation, the Estie Lauder Companies share your concern and recognise the importance of protecting and preserving the environment.
Recycling has always occurred at the manufacturing stage, where worldwide manufacturing programs take maximum advantage of locally available options.
No standardised approved test exists to substantiate 'biodegradable', 'environmentally safe', or 'eco-friendly'. We therefore do not make these claims for our products. However, we have no reason to believe our products are not any of the above.
We trust that the above addresses your concern.
Sincerely,
Justine Vella
Consumer Communications Manager
2,122,598
THIS E-MAIL IS INTENDED ONLY FOR THE ADDRESSEE(S) AND MAY CONTAIN CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION. IF YOU ARE NOT THE INTENDED RECIPIENT, YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED THAT ANY USE OF THIS INFORMATION OR DISSEMINATION, DISTRIBUTION OR COPYING OF THIS E-MAIL IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS E-MAIL IN ERROR, PLEASE NOTIFY THE SENDER IMMEDIATELY BY RETURN E-MAIL AND DELETE THE ORIGINAL MESSAGE.THANK YOU.
Oh, the delicious “and now fuck off” tone of that final line! Oh, the bellowing arrogance of that disclaimer! Oh, the joy at discovering that neither Ms Vella nor the personal assistant who is likely saddled with her correspondence know how to spell their own employer’s name! And what about that number in the subject line and ominously added at the end for luck? Can I really be the 2,122,598th poor sod that Ms Vella has shrugged off with a vacuous, flak-crafted email? She seems to wear that number like a badge of honour, like a bomber pilot after a precision raid.
How convenient that no standardised approved test exists to substantiate “biodegradable”. How about creating your own test in one of your labs (if they exist), or referring to Greenpeace, or asking a country like Germany that has some experience in recycling and environmental impact? But no, why bother! “Estie” makes no such claims for her products, so who cares. We’ll all go down together, in a petrochemical-fuelled cart without a catalytic converter. After all, worldwide manufacturing programs take maximum advantage of locally available options. What a marvellous way of saying, “We don’t know or care what the manufacturers do — we’re in product marketing, stupid.”
I have no reason to believe that the WMD is an actual, living person. But, oh! What pleasure I took in replying to “Ms Vella”:
-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Bell
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 5:55 PM
To: ConsumerCommunications-Lauder@esteelauder.com
Subject: RE: Case #2,122,598
Dear Ms Vella,
Yours is precisely the kind of evasive response a PR person might give to a hostile query. As I've been an Aramis customer for 25 years, I think it would be reasonable for me to expect a less ambiguous response from your company.
I used the facility on your website to ask a perfectly straightforward question about a specific Aramis Lab Series product: Are the exfoliation beads in Lab Series Multi-Action Face Wash made out of plastic, yes or no?
If they are (as indeed they appear to be), and as these bi-products are likely to end up being dispersed in New Zealand's wastewater, you would have every reason for believing that they are neither 'biodegradable' nor 'environmentally safe', and therefore certainly not 'eco-friendly'.
(Incidentally, I believe you'll find that your paymasters are the Estée, rather than Estie, Lauder Companies.)
So, no, your response does nothing to address my concerns and I am therefore seriously considering ceasing to use your products and publicising your unsatisfactory response via my website. And yes, I do note your disclaimer.
Yours sincerely,
Chris Bell
I now await Ms Vella’s response, taut-skinned… Well, I have to use up the rest of my Multi-Action Face Wash, don’t I. It cost me a bloody fortune.
posted by Chris Bell at 8:57 PM
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